Drowning in the Depths of the Despair.

Dramatic, I know.

All today, I have felt blah.
Teary-eyed-all-day-sort-of blah.
(It's been weird. I'm a cry-only-three-times-per-year kinda person.)

So maybe this lingering, lonely state of depression could be attributed to multiple things. Friends marrying. Loneliness. Weight of ministry. Inconsistency in freelancing. Frustrations regarding the future. Disorganization. Thyroids. Spiritual warfare. All the usual culprits.

Because I've tried to hold it all together for so long. To guard myself against misery.
You know, muttering truth to myself every time my mind waivers and wanders.
Reminding myself that I know the end of the story, recognizing that God's will isn't a person or a place or a thing, and knowing that my identity is in Christ and Christ alone.
PREACHING THE GOSPEL TO MYSELF. EVERYDAY.
But I'm getting weary of it.

And the irony is that I've asked the Lord for His Word to be real to me, specifically as I lead a hand full of women through a study through the Psalms of Asaph.

Here I am. About to teach Psalm 77.

"Has his steadfast love forever ceased? 

Are his promises at an end for all time?

Has God forgotten to be gracious?

Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" 

(Psalm 77:8-9) 

Asaph, he's honest.

And if I'm going to walk in the light, and be honest too, I have to say I'm asking the same questions.
In the crevices of my heart, I believe God's forgotten me.

I know He hasn't. But today it feels that way.

And so I know, I believe, I have to choose to remember, to remember, to ponder and meditate (Psalm 77:11-12) on the things that God has already done and will do on my behalf.

Man, it stinks some days.

But it reminds me that I am poor and needy and that I cannot do it - life on earth - on my own.
And as Asaph - in his psalms - continually reminds me - it is good for me to be near God.
Because he hasn't forgotten me, I've forgotten Him.