The grace and faith I want to have.

There are parts of Hannah's story that perplex and astound me as I read 1 Samuel 1 and 2.
And while there are many things I don't understand here are eight observations that encourage and challenge my soul.

1. Culturally, Hannah was living outside the social norm of bearing and caring for children. It's safe to say, the world around her probably saw her as having a lack of worth because of her lack of kids. (1 Samuel 1:2)

2. When provoked, she didn't retaliate. (1 Samuel 1:6-7)

3. Hannah continued to worship even in her wanting and waiting. (1 Samuel 1:7, 19)

4. From her song in 1 Samuel 2, we know that Hannah trusted God's supreme authority and ruling of the world and believed that he measured one's motives. "For the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed." (1 Samuel 2:3b)

5. Hannah spoke to God passionately and fervently, pleading and weeping and pouring out her heart's desire before the Lord, yet not hiding her grief or fear or anger from him. (1 Samuel 1:13-16)

6. Though her bargaining confuses me some, we know from this passage that she was willing to let go of the very thing she deeply desired, and followed through in her commitment, demonstrating obedience. (1 Samuel 1:11, 27-28)

7. God rewarded Hannah for her faithfulness and obedience beyond what she asked for. (1 Samuel 2:20-21; Ephesians 3:20-21)

8. Though Hannah's not directly mentioned in Hebrews 11, from her story we know she had great faith believing "God exists and rewards those who seek him." (Hebrews 11:6)


Ultimately God chooses and determines destinies, but like Hannah, I want to be a woman of great grace and faith even in the midst of unfavorable circumstances.

Little chunks of life lately.

Today I'm meeting with a blogger friend. A friend who has always been a real life friend and also happens to have a blog. Our plan is to discuss what we write. What we put out on the web. And as I prepare it's led me to the question: why did I start this thing anyway?

Blogs are a catch 22. They're like fire. There's great danger, yet potential for much good. 

Dangerous because we can broadcast thoughts - untruths - without a filter. Good because people can learn from our lives. Maybe - in part - it's being hospitable in this age. Living in a house with no gates, so to speak. 

Since college, blogs have influenced me in powerful ways and taught me good, gospel thinking though works by Desiring God, The Gospel Coalition, Lore Ferguson, Fabs Harford, and others. Yet, like anything else, we cannot take them at face value as truth, unless we let the words pass through the lens of Scripture. 

All that being said, the purpose of this blog once I moved to central Illinois was to keep people posted on what life is like here. And I want to return to that every so often. So today, for good measure, I want to do just that. 

This summer, so far, has been full of learning to use my camera, my church's youth summer camp, and trying to fit as much time in coffee shops as humanly possible. 

Maybe some of you don't know or have forgotten, about a year and half ago I left the Christian Day Camp I was at, and started my own graphic design business. I do everything from working for real designers who don't have time to resize pie charts to small business logos to wedding invitations. It's been crazy and hard and good all at the same time. And I think I'll always be asking myself, what's next?

I also have this side project where my goal is to illustrate 100 Verses during 2015. You can follow it on Facebook and Instagram too.

People can look at all of this - my life, anyone's blog - and think they see perfection. It's all surface-y perfection. And while I'm recognizing that I'm living in great blessing. That blessing - peace with God and the ability to be his friend (Romans 5:1, James 2:23), there's still the weight of living in this broken world marred by sin and heartache. 

And over the last several months I've been wresting with the connection between faith and obedience, asking myself, do I really believe that God rewards those who seek him? (Hebrews 11:6) Because I generally I don't always believe that I'm being rewarded with peace and friendship with God now and will be fully rewarded one day with seeing Jesus for who he really is someday. I think my heart's idols are good. And I want to be rewarded with those. Sorry, Kayla, they're not truly good for you. I still wallow about it sometimes. 

Yet, there's so much grace in my unbelief and disobedience. And it draws me to worship, because there's no wrath left for me (Romans 8:1) and no way I could work for this on my own. 

And I can't comment on life without mentioning the recent Supreme Court ruling. John Piper writes on it more eloquently than I ever could, so read what he says here.

But one thing I do know, that this ruling is not a surprise to God and it will be something he uses to bring glory to his name. While my heart is heavy now, in the end - all that have faith in Christ - all we get is good. Life might become hard for those of us who believe in the absolute authority of Scripture, but there's no reason to fear or be in dread.

Last but least, and on a less sober note, this wouldn't be a good life update unless I leave you with what I've been listening to.

Let Go by Midnight Pilot - "Love it isn't easy..."

Noah Gundersen's Dying Now - "You can't build your bridges / after you burn them down..."

And a couple of oldies, Cost of Living by Tyler Heath - "I sleep more and get less rest..."

The Oh Hello's Trees - "Higher branches, harder fall / hesitation stops us all...heartache pales in comparison to love"